Thursday, January 24, 2008

Racist crap from the Hamptons

From here, "The Independent has the highest distribution/circulation sites of any local newspaper on the East End, reaching both forks, from Wading River to Orient and from Manorville to Montauk. Every Wednesday, The Independent, chock full of local and regional news, sports, a huge classified section, is the first and only local newspaper you'll need to pick up."

Why I Should Be Our Next President


By Yo Mama Bin Barack

My name is YoMama Bin Barack, and I want to be your next president so together we can begin in earnest the work of making sure that the world we leave our children is just a little bit better than the one we inhabit today.

My opponents say I live in a dream world. That may well be true, for I believe in the dream of Doctor Martin Luther King, the dream that all men are created equal.

His words resonate in my very being: "Some day, you too can be a black man who makes a difference in this country, and you too can be called 'Doctor' even though you are not a doctor of any kind." I believe that, and someday I hope people will call me Doctor YoMama. In fact, I hope someday people will call me President Doctor YoMama (but please don't call me Luther, I hate that name).

I was telling this very thing to my wife AliBama the other night while we were in bed, umm, praying. I said, "AliBama, I want to be your next president so together we can begin in earnest the work of making sure that the world we leave our children is just a little bit better than the one we inhabit today."

And she said, "YoMama, then why don't you cut out the president shit and get a real job and make some freakin' money?" But I explained I have plenty of money, because bleeding heart liberal Democrats from all across this vast country of ours have felt it in their hearts to send a contribution to my campaign so I can begin in earnest the work of making sure that the world we leave our children is just a little bit better than the one we inhabit today and also because I need to buy my little daughter Bama Slamma a PlayStation so she will get off my back.

Why do I think I am the best candidate for the job? Look at my resume – it speaks for itself.

Educational background: Doctorate

Military background: I was the first black troop leader of the Boy Scouts Troop 43 in my home state of Illinois. Well, that's not quite true, because they didn't let black kids in the Boy Scouts, so I lied and said I was Hawaiian, which I kind of am, sort of. You see, part of my strategy of becoming our first black president is to deny I am black unless I am campaigning in Harlem. The truth is, I don't know many black people, but my advisors have drafted a strategy to reel in the black vote:

1) Call everyone "Brother." Blacks, I am told, do this, even if their real brothers are mostly in jail.

2) Talk Jive. Brothers want to hear jive. During my speech I told the crowd "We be, you know, sick of whitey supressin' and congestin' so, you know, we won't denigrate or sophisticate but emulate and populate, you know, the system is, like, broken, y'all!"

I have no idea what that means. The black folk loved it, though, so they all vowed to vote for me. The New York Times covered it, but they are so afraid of saying something racist they twisted my words around and reported:

"Yesterday in Harlem YoMama articulated his vision of a new America, an America with less congestion, a country free of drug use, a world without segregation or racism where citizens emulate the lives of great Americans like YoMama, John F. Kennedy and Doctor Martin Luther King."

So you see, there is my strategy. I get the black vote, I get the white vote, and then I go after the female vote by attacking that bitch Hillary for being the Nasty Witch from Hell.

Anyhow, girls think I'm cute. I'm kind of like Will Smith, except he's got those Dumbo ears and mine are normal. So, for the next six months, I am going to fly all over the country, and every place I speak I am going to tell the people:

"As Americans, we can take enormous pride in the fact that courage has been inspired by our own struggle for freedom, by the tradition of democratic law secured by our forefathers and enshrined in our Constitution. It is a tradition that says all men are created equal under the law and that no one is above it."

To be honest, I have no idea what that means. If you analyze it carefully, it really doesn't mean anything. But it sounds like something a president or a doctor would say. I can make that speech every day and no matter how many times I do the stupid newspapers will report it differently. They will make me sound like the smart, young, new voice of America, because most editors out there figure anything is better than having a cow like Hillary Clinton snorking around the White House making weasel deals again.

Ultimately, if she gets too close, one of my New York advisors has advised me to, "Bitch slap that ho." White women, I am told, like that. (Black women, on the other hand, do not. I tried that once on AliBama and she beat the living shit out of me.)

Of course, I also have to contend with John Edwards. My strategy is to ignore him until he actually manages to win a primary. Since he's, like, zero for 43 so far, that should be the end of him. You see, Mr. Edwards hasn't figured out that to win an election some people have to actually vote for you. (If he does make a run at me, I might consider bitch slapping him, as he is somewhat of a Pretty Boy if you get my jist.)

In closing, I humbly ask for your vote on Election Day, even if I did hang around the school yard and smoke pot when I was getting my Doctorate in Blackstuff. And, oh, by the way, I am in the process of finding out how I can also call myself "Reverend." I have a call in to Al Sharpton.

Thanks for visiting The Independent

Sunday, January 06, 2008


A personal note from a from a friend of mine in the Albany area:

First, let me assure you that this is NOT one of those obnoxious forwards - it is something I am writing out of my own frustration with the gasoline situation, and I'm doing it to give you information that you might find useful.

To save you time you may not want to spend reading this whole thing, here's the main point:


You'll get very poor mileage, stink up your interior and support the wrong idea about energy independence.

Now I'll give the longer version of my diatribe, based on direct experience, not on the input of other ravers (which I imagine is also readily available).

You may have noticed in recent weeks when you filled up that there are stickers on some pumps announcing that the gas is "maximum 10% ethanol." This is because a number of boneheaded politicians have allowed a very wealthy agribusiness lobby to convince them that this is the way toward energy independence (it's not - reduction in use would be a start, but no one in government seems to be advocating that idea). What amounts to a huge giveaway to corn farmers (poor they are not) is also threatening worse pollution of the Gulf of Mexico (through greater chemical runoffs) and a
grotesque misuse of farmland that should be producing food.

I've unwittingly used a few tankfuls of the evil stuff, before realizing that it was doing bad things to my car. The big head-scratcher was that I was suddenly getting the worst mileage I've ever gotten with this 14-year-old Acura Integra (it's like a gussied-up Honda Civic and averages well over 30 mpg). Was it the cold weather? tire pressure? age? oil leaks?

At first, I didn't connect the dots, but now I'm certain that the poorly burning veggie fuel is reducing my mileage by 10-15%. It has been confirmed to me by credible sources that ethanol is known to be cheaper (wholesale) and to give worse mileage. However, so far, it is not proving to be cheaper at the pump - so, with the worse mileage it is in fact a lot more expensive, not to mention more polluting (because you have to use more of it to go the same distance). And it adds to the profits of its sellers by causing unwitting customers to need to fill up more often.

It is also apparently giving off noxious fumes that make me feel lousy, but that's not been confirmed elsewhere.

Ethanol gas has become suddenly popular with area distributors because it is brought in through the Port of Albany for the whole Northeast, and therefore is especially cheap locally (wholesale) due to the short distance it must be trucked. But the distributors are not passing on these savings to the consumers, and they certainly aren't publicizing the fact that it is an inferior product. They are, however, trying to seem environmentally sensitive, which is a load.

I've seen this junk at Stewart's, Lukoil and Sunoco; also, I've heard that Cumberland Farms has it. So far, I know that Mobil still sells pure gasoline; I've also heard that Hess and Getty do, too - and the rest I don't know about one way or the other.

So, my advice to you is not to buy ethanol, and instead to find a station near you that sells the good stuff. I don't really care where the gasoline comes from - that's a rather complicated global political business that we can't do much about - but getting the best possible mileage and polluting less are definitely good things we can do by not using bad gas.

As for the politics - well, we can start by getting rid of the Republicans, but you already knew that.

Thanks for listening, and feel free to pass this on (but please don't overdo it!).

yours truly, D